Dolly's Journey

I think in my heart, I knew that I knew the right decision. Spoiler alert: I thought the right decision was to let her go. I know that’s how my husband felt. But, as much as I wanted to led with my heart and to be logical, I continued to talk it out with our vet.

She felt that Dolly was in so much pain that her leg needed to go. She also told me that for as long as Dolly had been hopping around on three legs, she would be fine without it. As much as I wanted her to make it to Christmas with all four legs, I didn’t think she would make it to Thanksgiving. Time wasn’t on our side; it was standing over us like a dog who has to potty at 5 am.

Dolly and I drove two and a half hours to the University of Illinois for a consultation. We hoped to make it into a research study for a drug called rapamycin. It involves an amputation, four rounds of carboplatin chemotherapy, and a 50/50 chance to get into the research arm with rapamycin. That day was a roller coaster and then some. There were all kinds of variables that would throw us out of the ring. The biggest was whether or not the cancer had metastasized in the lymph nodes and lungs. Of course, none of the xrays or even blood work my vet provided could be used. So, we had to make a decision to pay big bucks for lab work that we had already done in Indianapolis. My biggest struggle was that we could use that money for treatment or pain management. And, we still hadn’t decided that we could even put Dolly through all of this.

We went ahead with an abdominal ultrasound, and the third year oncology resident was concerned. They shipped her images off to a radiologist and we left – Dolly starving because we had to withhold food for ultrasound and me in tears.

The results came back fine and we were back in the ring. Our next trip was set for the following Tuesday, and I brought my mom along for the roller coaster ride. After a VERY long day going back and forth with a new third year oncologist (aspirated speen, additional leg and hip xrays, and an aspirated lump on her front paw), I was almost completely talked out of the whole thing.  He had convinced me that Dolly wasn’t a good candidate for amputation and that we should consider radiation. I frantically called our vet for back up, but she was busy with other patients.

Fortunately, my mom kept telling me that Dr. Baker said the leg HAS to go. So, we asked to speak to the surgeon and she talked us back on the ledge. She told us that it wouldn’t be a cake walk, but that Dolly would fly through surgery. And, that while she has arthritis and a wonky front elbow, she could get around on three legs. We left her over night for three nights for the very first time ever.

I was alone when our vet showed me the x-rays. I didn’t hear it all at first, so I had to ask her if she would tell me again once I was able to calm down. The one thing I understood most was just how much pain she was in. I honestly thought I was going to have to think about putting her down right there. I thought about how I should call my husband, but it would have done no good because he had my kids. And, he would have been a bigger mess than I was.

I just couldn’t stand the thought of her pain. We had been weaning her off the pain medicine for the torn ACL, so of course she felt like shit. Of course I thought she had a setback. We were managing mini explosions in her bone, which was being replaced by a cancerous tumor that was potentially spreading cancer cells to her lungs and other appendages as I blew my nose for the twentieth time. Oh, and, her bone was so brittle, that it was way more likely to break at the slightest fall. This felt like the end in a matter of minutes.

My mom came to be with me, and we made a list of questions through the haze in my head.

We sat through another acupuncture treatment and left with some new medicines and prescriptions. I had a list of ingredients to buy for a cancer tonic, and left the vet’s office knowing that another family was there at that very same moment putting their beloved pet to sleep. I couldn’t help but feel like it was a sign.

I drove home to tell my husband. My six-year-old figured it all out. We cried on the kitchen floor together.

We picked up groceries for Dolly’s cancer tonic and picked up gobs of pain meds. I can’t help but wonder why is was so easy to get all those prescriptions. And, for a minute, none of it felt real.

Dolly had a biopsy done to be sure it was osteosarcoma. I asked for a Lyme disease test with a very little glimmer of hope. We still didn’t know what route we would choose. Pain management or amputation? Do we add chemo into the mix? Or, do we just let her go?

Throughout our up’s and down’s, Dolly stayed pretty consistent. She ate well – really well since her diet included beef liver, wild caught fish, and ground turkey. She followed us ALL OVER THE HOUSE. And, she really didn’t seem like she was ready to give up.

Dr. Baker called us with news about a study taking place at the University of Illinois. I felt like she really wanted us to explore it as an option. So, I let her get the ball rolling.

Writing this post seems very daunting. When I needed to write most, was when I couldn’t quite see things clearly. Now that I feel like we are on a wide open road, our journey seems so long ago. But, really, it’s not. So, I think I’ll take our story a little at a time.

Dolly partially tore her ACL in August right before her 13th birthday. I’ve been dreading her old age for years now, but her senior symptoms were never really an obstacle until that day. She always  acted younger than our youngest pup, Dakota, who is now 10. I thought that diagnosis was DEVASTATING. Dolly loves her walks, loves to play fetch, and loves to follow us ALL OVER THE HOUSE. We recently moved into a home with a basement and second story. Our realtor let us bring the dogs over to test them on the stairs before we made an offer. Our furbabies have always slept in our bedroom. But, with a torn ACL, we took turns sleeping on the couch with her.

As for walks, I was already feeling immensely guilty about the lousy walks we gave our dogs this summer. The entire spring and summer flew by with us neglecting to give our girls the attention they really deserved. Now, I was staring the possibility of no more walks with her ever again right in the face. We had decided that she was too old to put through an ACL surgery.

To try to expedite any chance at healing, we visited a vet that practices eastern and western medicine. She’s absolutely wonderful. She did acupuncture and laser therapy on our Dolly Llama and gave me a lot of advice to help her heal. Still, we had a couple setbacks that broke my heart. I felt like they were my fault because she would trot off into a run or sneak up the stairs.

Once we spread out our treatments to every two weeks, I started to get optimistic. Then, she slipped on a vacuum cleaner attachment one day. She cried so loud that I can still hear it ringing in my ears to this day. We saw our vet a week later.

I usually have this sense about things, but this time I was completely blind-sided. I prepared myself for every yearly check-up and blood draw because I knew things can stay hidden. But, we had been going to the vet two to four times a month for three months! In as little as two weeks, Dolly’s knee swelled up to the size of a golf ball.

Dr. Baker didn’t even ask my permission to x-ray her. She just told me it was happening. So, I waited for a confirmed total tear.

I got a cancer diagnosis.

Read this for important information!

Welcome to Tripawds. Please read on for important tips. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging. Don’t miss our helpful WordPress tutorial videos if you need help getting started with your new Tripawds blog.

Do not reply to this post!

Please publish a new post (or edit this one) to share your story. The Tripawds community is only notified of new blog posts in the Recent Posts widgets found throughout the News blog and discussion forum pages. Members will not be notified of any comments made on this default first post. You can also choose to edit or delete your sample page.

• See the Help videos in your blog dashboard or post in the Tech Support forum with any questions!

Publish a blog post or your site may be deleted!

Please be sure to publish at least one blog post to let us know you that you may use your blog. NOTE: Failure to do so may result in your site being deleted. If you upload photos to your Media Library, but fail to publish a post, we’ll never know they are there and they may be gone forever!

Another way to ensure your site does not get deleted, is to upgrade it with a Tripawds Supporter subscription.

By default your site will be indexed so Tripawds members will be notified of your update in the Recent Posts lists throughout this community. If you change your Privacy settings to discourage search engines, your posts will not be indexed! 

To limit the amount of spam you receive, any first comment a reader makes on your blog will require moderation. Be sure to “Spam” any inappropriate comments, and approve those from your readers so their future comments appear immediately. You can change your comment options from the Settings -> Discussion tab in your dashboard.

Tripawds Blogs shall NOT be used for fundraising purposes.

Direct appeals for financial assistance to help cover care expenses will be deleted without notice. Everypawdy in the Tripawds community faces their own share of high expenses related to surgery, recovery and care. Veterinary financial aid resources can be found in the Tripawds News blog. Please see the Tripawds Fundraising Appeals Policy for more information. Thank you for your understanding.

Thank you for sharing your story, and happy blogging!